Bush Announces $500 Million Caviar Relief Program

WASHINGTON, D.C. – U.S. President George Bush announced an incredible $500 million aid program designed to reduce the burden of high caviar prices to help the wealthy afford more cars.  He pointed out that the oppressive prices of caviar are causing more rich people to consume less caviar. In the President’s view, that is a crime.

Gaze in wonder at this delectable silver dish filled with premium caviar.  But don’t touch it because you can’t afford it.

“We know it is the wealthy people of America that keep America going,” Clinton said.  “They buy all the nice cars.  They buy all of the champagne and keep expensive restaurants open. They can even make a man the President of the United States, but I’m not supposed to talk about that.  They do all of this for us and yet they can hardly afford to buy the exquisite Russian caviar that should be theirs for helping the country in so many ways.  It is shameful that this great country of our can go on letting these people suffer, and my new plan can help us get past this shame and into tomorrow with a better outlook on life.”

Caviar prices have never been higher in the world that they are today.  At over $2,000 per pound, caviar can break even the richest billionaires who enjoy serving it to friends and family at get-togethers.

Under Bush’s plan everyone whose 2000 pre-tax income exceeded $500,000 will receive a “Caviar Support” card.  This card can be used at any fine wine and cheese shop that carries caviar.  It will be good for 75% discounts on all varieties of caviar with a maximum annual savings of $200,000 per household. Stores can then send the sales paperwork and the required form (CAVIAR4200E-F443)  and get 100% of the discount refunded from the federal government, payable in small bills.

Much like food stamps, this program will help allow more people to afford caviar and still be able to buy the luxuries of the high life including high-grade cocaine and Ferraris.

The ambitious program excites purveyors of caviar, and they claim it will allow them to sell more caviar without having to discount the prices.

David Begulan, a caviar seller from New York who was present at the announcement, saw it was a move in the right direction.  “Just as those who purchase caviar should be afforded a better lifestyle, so too should those that sell caviar.  This plan addresses that dual nature of the caviar salesperson and the caviar purchaser.”

“Would you like to purchase some pate?”