Gates To Fight Ellison in a Clash of the Moguls, Don King’s Greatest Show

LAS VEGAS, NEVADA – Famed boxing promoter Don King announced today that Bill Gates and Larry Ellison are scheduled to fight for the HeavyTech Championship at the fabulous Sands Hotel in Las Vegas on February 23, 2001.

Gates thinks he has what it takes to defeat Ellison in hand-to-hand combat.

“This is going to be the greatest matchup in history.  These guys got so much power, damn!” proclaimed Don King at the announcement. “They also got a lotta green.”

Gates, who has been in training for the past three months, doesn’t think Ellison is going to be much of a problem.  “I’m going to give him a one, and a zero, and then another one just for good measure,” says Gates.  “If that doesn’t put him down I’ll just release another version of Windows.”

Insiders acknowledge Gates’ power in the computing industry, but there are doubts about his ability to release another version of Windows so quickly.  “Even if he could release a new version of Windows while in the ring, it would be buggy and unusable until they released an update.  That usually takes a few months, not a few rounds,” said Jack “Boom-Boom” Kaufmann.  “I don’t think it would be the knock out punch that he’s claiming.”

Larry Ellison wishes you could bring databases into the ring.

In the other corner, Ellison is also confident that he will win.  “I can handle more transactions per second that Gates.  I can support more processors than Gates.  I’m going to Unix Gates to the canvas,” said an excited Ellison who appeared to be frothing at the mouth.  “I can take him, I can handle him.  He can’t beat me.  He can’t even hurt me.  He’s only the richest man in the world, but I’m gaining ground on him.  He can’t stop me.”

“Ellison’s a little over zealous, and he might actually have rabies,” said Kaufmann.  “He needs to back off a little.  His whole approach is the database, and that’s one big egg in the basket.  Gates’ strategy is more diverse, and Ellison can’t match him on every front.”

Pre-fight entertainment will include a planned beating of the creator of the internet music sharing service Napster, Shawn Fanning, by any musicians that feel like attending. There will also be a wrestling match between Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura and the glorious Hulk Hogan billed as the “Battle of the Aged.”

Tickets for the event are available via the internet only through Don King’s www.kingoftickets.com website which is powered by an Apple G4 web server.