Global Warming Must Be Stopped!!!

By a Man in a Tree

I have been in this tree for thirteen months now.  What started out as a weekend event has turned into my life’s crusade.  My life’s work is to save Hannah.  To save her from both loggers and other’s who would damage her or her ecosystem.  Hannah is the 80-year-old Oak tree that I have called home for the past 370 days. Hannah will continue to be my home until no more trees on the planet are being cut down for any reason whatsoever. I’m fully prepared to live out my natural life in this tree, but I have one thing to ask of this world as a whole.

Please stop global warming!!!

My year in Hannah hasn’t been all that bad.  The ground team provides me with food  (all the rice cake factories on Earth should be burnt to the ground), books (long live Isaac Asimov), and plenty of water. 

The winter was pretty rough, but I have plenty of blankets and solar heating devices.  I can see a local ski resort run from my tree, and as much as I am against using nature for any activity that harms it or looks fun, it is refreshing to see people having enjoying themselves.

So, apart from a couple of chills and crappy food, I don’t seem to have much to complain about. Except for global warming.  This summer was about the hottest summer I can remember.  That and those fabled mountain breezes must have gone on vacation.  Basically I just sat up here in this tree and sweated my ass off. 

Obviously global warming caused this hellish summer.  That’s the only possible explanation.  Only mankind can make nature seem so harsh.  You know we are responsible for all the tornadoes and hurricanes; it’s just the way we treat the environment.

So I started thinking about global warming and what we, as a people, can do about it.  What if everyone on Earth turned on their air conditioners and opened their windows whenever the temperature goes above 80 degrees?  Think about it, this would create a massive influx of nice, chilly air to combat the intense summer heat. We would only do this while the ozone layer is repairing itself, which is only expected to take some fifty years. Maybe after a couple months I wouldn’t spend the days counting the drops of sweat coming off my brow and sleeping in a perpetual puddle of sweat.

I haven’t passed this idea down to the base camp yet, but I think they will agree that it was way to hot this past summer, and it’s up to the people of this fair Earth to right the wrongs we have committed against our planetary mother.

I have one final thing to ask, but I ask it only to Stephen King.  Please start writing more books.  I was thinking somewhere in the neighborhood of weekly releases rather than annually.  And forget about internet publishing, I don’t have electricity up here in this damn tree.