Subway Weight Loser is a Loser

BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA – Jared Fogle, the creator of the ‘Subway diet,’ lost 245 pounds eating nothing more than Subway sandwiches.  He has been featured in several television commercials and is prominently displayed in all Subway sub shops.  Yet he still struggles for acceptance and is searching for his place in society.  He ponders daily why he eats his Subway sandwiches all alone, with no one to keep him company.  He feels he deserves better; he knows he deserves better. But the fact remains.  He’s a loser.

Slim, trim loser Jared Fogle, eating his Subway sandwich all by himself.

Before the ‘Subway diet’ Jared was a 425-pound loser.  So large that no one would go to the movies with him, much less sit next to him for anything.  You couldn’t even walk next to him for fear that he may trip and crush you under his tremendous girth.

Now, after his miraculous diet, he’s a 180-pound loser.  No longer does anyone fear his massive size.  But none of this takes away from his being a loser.

“Like I took some pity on him and asked him if he wanted to go to McDonalds with me, you know, since he’d never been to McDonalds with a girl before.  He turned around and asked me if I wanted to go to Subway with him. I was like, no way, loser.  Don’t you ever get tired of that rabbit food crap?” said an unnamed female who goes to school with Jared.  “What a freak.”

Bet you want one of these, don’t you?  Loser.

Sociologist Jeff Frankenscence pondered Jared’s situation for several months, “Jared is an interesting subject in society.  He is proving that the state of being a loser isn’t based on physical traits or being a regular fat-ass.  It’s more tied to your being, part of your soul.  Like it or not, he’s a loser, and a loser he will always be.”

A Subway representative issued the following statement, “While Jared did us a great service by creating the ‘Subway’ diet we feel the need to distance ourselves from him since he is such a loser.  Granted, he’s a great weight loser, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that he is a huge loser in general.”

“Would anyone like to try one of our delicious Subway Clubs?  It’s our featured Sub of the Month,” he continued.

We seriously considered interviewing Jared for this article but we couldn’t bring ourselves to talk to such a loser.